Despair and Hopelessness
I never meant for this blog to be like this, I had a vision of providing factual researched evidence about Bipolar Disorder. As some of you know, I have been going through a BD episode for about two weeks now. I have had the Doctors pump me full of meds so that I was a zombie like, which included being homebound because I was unable to drive, making me feel even more helpless. Now it is 11:52 at night and once again, I am alone. Alone to think, cry, and wonder why...why do I feel this way? My wife and I both are BP, and she has never seen me in an episode before. Well, my episode is throwing her into a depressed state, so you have two BD people , one a very rapid cycler, and the other in a depressed state living on one house, what could possible go wrong. I feel that we are no longer connected to each other as we used to be. I am more comfortable siting in my office with my desk lamp on and the shades drawn, and she is comfortable sitting on the couch, watch bad TV and falling asleep at 9. Oh, Did I mention that I am not working right now so that I am by myself about 12 hours a day. All I know is that for a rapid cycler, that is not a good thing. I have rearranged my closet 3 times, I have raked leaves, I have rearranged out laundry room four times, and two of the times, because my wife didn't like the way it was.
I am so tired of people asking me how I am doing, or "you sound better", then there is the classic, “Wow, you’re doing much better because you aren't slurring your words". Yeah no shit I am not slurring my words, they took some of my medicines down enough so that I can talk and walk straight. BD is incurable it is only manageable. Today I got the approval to drive myself places...oh how exciting! Oh, did I tell you that I had to take a Not Completed (NC) in one of my college classes, due to the stress or the workload of taking so many classes at once. I just do not know where to begin and where to end. How will I know I am better? When I go back to work, are they going to look at me as if I am a nut bag, or think that I have been faking it? My perfect world right now would be to be fired from work because they needed to replace me; I collect unemployment, and go to school full time, and do massages on the side as my job. I am tired of sitting at home waiting for my life to begin, I am just afraid that when my life finally begins, it will be too late.
I am tired, I am tired of crying, I am tired of being alone, and I am tired of being stressed when my wife gets home from work when all I really want to do is curl up in her arms and cry. I am tired of feeling helpless; I am tired of feeling like someone that has broken their arm, but has no cast on. How and when will I know that I will be ready to go back to work, which is a huge trigger for me? I am tired of being exhausted but having to be drugged to be able to fall a sleep because my mind is racing so fast. I am doing everything in my power to get better, I work out at least 5 days a week, I take my two handfuls of pills a day, I try to relax and focus on my breathing, but the problem is that it is hard for me to breath.
No matter how many people are around me, I am the only one in my head. The only one that really relieves my stress is by Old English Bulldog, Brutus, who at night lets me lay on his belly and listen to him breath and cry, but cry about what? When will this loneness, madness, uncontrollable feelings go away? I just want to enjoy my wife again. It all comes down to my wife and I's happiness and right now we are not happy. Not to get to personal, but I have had no desire for any sexual activity, no affection, no masturbation, nothing. I feel washed up and I have nothing to give to her. I know relationships are much more than about sex, I'm not worried about the sex, I am worried about the affection that I cannot give her right now. It is so hard for me to give her a hug and/or a kiss, not because of her, but because of me. At this point, I feel that I do not deserve love, and I fear that I treat her that way..........
