The Unknown Truth
Well here I am, sitting in a mental hospital for the 2nd time in two months. I ask myself where I went wrong; I take my medication religiously, I eat relatively healthy, I try to get plenty of sleep, I am mindful of my mood and behaviors, I drink plenty of water to ward off Lithium toxicity, I am aware of my risk factors and warning signs, but to no avail. I am sitting in the same room as I was a month ago, medications are changing once again and I have come to the realization that my life as I know it right now is not working and things need to change. Something new happened this time though. When going through an episode I typically have periods of blacking out; days without any recollection that they even existed. But something was different this time around…I cut myself…all I remember was looking at the knife and then holding a paper towel to my wrist scared to see what I had just done. Then waking up in the hospital with fluids running and a doctor stating that I had a Lithium level of 2.4. Is it really possible to cut/injure one’s self without having any remembrance of actually doing it? The thing that scares me, and my loved ones as well, is what’s to stop me from doing this again but at a more severe intent, and heavens forbid a more severe outcome?
As for the Lithium level, who is going to believe a person that just cut his wrist that he didn’t also take a handful of pills? It took much convincing to get my doctors to believe that I had no part of that. I feel that my wife was even unsure, which I don’t blame her, due to the fact that when she went home she looked at my pills to ensure that there were the right amount and in the right place in my pill box. Her and my doctor went as far as to calling the Pharmacists to confirm that they gave me the correct medication. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t know if I completely trust myself either. I don’t remember cutting my wrist, what else don’t I remember. Did I cut my wrist then proceed to take a handful of Lithium without any cognitive recollection, I don’t know? That’s what scares me the most!
